Rethinking Confidence for Boys and Men

Parents of teenage boys often express a desire for their sons to be more confident. This raises the question: what does it truly mean to be confident?

The mainstream perception of confidence, especially for boys and men, is often distorted. The confident, masculine figures portrayed in the media are frequently depicted as overly muscular and hyper-independent. You know, the rugged individualist type. This portrayal emphasizes dominance, control, and strength, contributing to the perpetuation of patriarchal ideals, where confidence is mistakenly equated with arrogance.

In my work with teens to cultivate their confidence, I've come to realize that self-confidence is a byproduct of self-acceptance. It has nothing to do with muscles or being a hero. True confidence is about being comfortable in your own skin, accepting who you are, and embracing authenticity.

But here's the thing - the social environment, with its unwritten rules, can be a major hurdle. If their friends buy into the patriarchal narrative, anyone who doesn't fit the mold might get labeled as "weak" and become the target of jokes. These jokes sting more than they are funny. When your authenticity is weaponized against you, shame and embarrassment are quick to compel boys and men to cover up what they really feel.

Confidence, when understood as a byproduct of self-acceptance, is only attainable through recognition and acceptance of our thoughts and feelings. So, if we want our boys to be confident, perhaps what we really need is for them to better understand themselves.